By Hazel Holland
I stared blankly at the vacant chair. I wasn't prepared for this kind of question... I couldn’t speak. I was too choked up. She was too real. She was me…and I was fifteen…alone and afraid.
“Thank God, I don’t have a daughter! This is just pretend...” I was trying to calm my racing heart. "But why does it feel so real...?”
She stared back at me, and I saw her confusion and helplessness. She really did need me. She really did need someone to be her friend, and tell her that she was living in a dream—a fantasy—not of her own choosing. I hated to intrude. But I must. She must get the chance I waited forty years to find…
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| (Originally written February 13, 2008) |
I was rummaging through the archives in my file cabinet today when I came across an unfinished “letter” of sorts that I had written many years ago. The carbon paper I had used to make a more readable copy had become almost indelible. As my eyes began to scan the writing, now faded by time, my heart was strangely moved... I began to weep as I recognized how far I had come in my journey towards freedom in Christ.
I completed the letter today that I was unable to finish back then... and I want to share it with you now. I sense the Holy Spirit wants to use my healing from brokenness to bring healing to the wounds you may have received at the hands of a loved one or friend.
“This is your fifteen year old daughter”, the therapist stated as he pointed towards the empty chair. “Now what are you going to tell her?”
I stared blankly at the vacant chair. I wasn't prepared for this kind of question... I couldn’t speak. I was too choked up. She was too real. She was me…and I was fifteen…alone and afraid.
“Thank God, I don’t have a daughter! This is just pretend...” I was trying to calm my racing heart. "But why does it feel so real...?”
She stared back at me, and I saw her confusion and helplessness. She really did need me. She really did need someone to be her friend, and tell her that she was living in a dream—a fantasy—not of her own choosing. I hated to intrude. But I must. She must get the chance I waited forty years to find…
“Daughter that I never had, but always dreamed of having. I give you the wisdom and folly of my years. They are my gift to you. May you succeed where I never knew I could. May you win where I never had permission to fail.”
“Daughter, I want you to know that you are very precious because you are you!” I never knew that when I was fifteen. I didn’t know that I was more than just “OK”…that I was actually precious, because I never received that message in growing up. Because I was neglected, I learned to neglect myself. Because I was rejected, I learned to reject myself.
Instead, I learned that my feelings were not to be trusted… my feelings would always lead me astray. My feelings were foolishness! So without realizing it I tried to ignore and repress the God-given means by which I could come to know myself, my God, and the world around me. I lived my life to please others, but never pleased myself. And then I discovered I never could. There was always more that I should have done. I never learned that I am not responsible for making others happy or unhappy. They do that quite well without my help. But I am responsible for me. The way I choose to express myself now, and live my life in this world does affect others around me—either positively or negatively.
Because of the trauma and pain of my adolescent years I learned to distrust my feelings—especially when it came to relationships with men. Because I never felt accepted and loved, I was always searching for that special “someone” who would meet those neglected, but legitimate needs. Back then I didn’t recognize the victim role I was playing, and so I continued to play it right on through adulthood. And for every “victim” there is a “rescuer”. My needs for acceptance, love and security were so great that I felt unable to make wise choices. So they were made for me by the “other” person who always seemed to know that I was the “right one” for him! After all…shouldn’t I be grateful that someone even loved me at all?
Maybe…just maybe…if I never had to choose then I would never have to lose… Did it work? No! Three marriages and three divorces later I realized that I had left my fifteen year old on an emotional roller-coaster. I would have to go back and get her before I could put my life together…really for the first time. I could no longer avoid facing the trauma of my childhood and working through the painful experiences of growing up…
“Daughter, I abandoned you…just like I had been abandoned!” I am sorry that I ignored your silent cries to be loved. Please forgive me for pushing you away when you needed to know that you mattered..." I never knew there was any link, until now, between the fifteen year old I rejected and the broken relationships I have been through… Going back is painful. Remembering brings tears. But refusing to see and go back to where I stopped growing spells more heartache and tragedy…
“Daughter, you are beautiful! I know that…even though I have never seen you…or have I? Was I afraid to admit it because you reminded me so much of myself? Men will often notice your beauty on the outside before they ever see it on the inside. And that’s ok. You have both. Some only have one… Don’t put yourself down for the one, or be swept away by the other… Get to know yourself…your likes and dislikes. Both are important. Then you won’t have to cover up the “missing parts” you see in others with some of your own “spares”… You are a whole person when you realize that you do not need someone else to make you happy…and you enjoy your own company.”
We all have strengths and weaknesses. And we all need one another in a very real way to help us grow. When I share with you from my strength it does not make you feel weaker, but stronger, because I share with you as an equal. It gives you then the courage to share from your strength. But if I should come to you as a superior talking to a lackey (sorry for the English expression), I would leave you in your weakness and in your dependency… You would see me as the “rescuer” and yourself as the “victim”.
“Daughter, I give you the freedom to be your own person…to make decisions and choices…whether right or wrong. I give you permission to make mistakes. We all make them if we are to ever grow into healthy adults. Don’t let the fear of making a mistake lead you to let someone else make it for you, and then give you all the credit for making it!”
“Daughter, there is no Prince Charming after all—except the one you will recognize inside of you! Love yourself in a healthy way. Give yourself pats and strokes. Don’t wait for someone else to notice that you are “special”. Give yourself the first hug, and you’ll be surprised how many others will follow… There are many loving people out there, and there are also many “takers”. You will be able to tell the difference if you listen with your heart… Trust your judgment. It is good as anybody else’s and probably much better for you…”
“Daughter, continue to risk being open and taking chances. That way you’ll never get bored, or old, or set in your ways. Life is not easy, but it is a challenge worth taking. Life is not always fair. And sometimes we have to snatch joy out of the path of pain…”
“Daughter, you are loved…not only because you are part of me, but because you are made in God’s image. I have chosen to love you, because I am finally learning to love myself. Learning that He loved me before I ever chose to love Him back has freed me to receive His heart for you. Becoming more aware of who I am in Him has given me the courage to embrace your soul in all its gentleness and sensitivity, and discover my own.”
“Daughter that I now have, and always dreamed of having. I give you the wisdom and folly of my years. They are my gift to you. You will succeed where I never knew I could. You will win where I never had permission to fail. Thank you for coming back. In loving you, I have begun to love myself, because you see, dear one, it is me that I see when I look at you."♥
